Guilt-free…
Our church has what are known as discipleship groups (D groups) intended to help raise up disciples.
We read assigned scriptures daily and journal what we learn from those scriptures and state how we are going to apply them to our lives. We then meet weekly to discuss what has been especially beneficial to us that week.
Last week, we were in Mark. Mark Ch10:17-31 hit me like a ton of bricks. I journaled about it, of course, but it didn’t really hit me in “the feels” until I was talking about it with my group. The 3 other women in my group got to witness me in real time have an epiphany, which means tears and snot.
Delightful…. (sorry about that Jan, Cindy, and Marisa!)
These particular passages talk about Jesus and His conversation with the Rich Young Ruler. Several things stuck out to me. The first is that in v. 21 it says that Jesus felt a love for him (the young man). This means that Jesus felt a love and compassion for someone he knew was struggling with a love for his lifestyle (wealth). Why did this strike me so hard?
If you are on this blog, you probably already know that we moved 2 years ago. I wasn’t happy about the move. I liked my old house. I had just put in new floors, windows, and a roof. I had a lovely view, which I appreciated every day.
What I didn’t appreciate was my husband wanting to move. Nor did I appreciate that God wanted me to move.
I was being asked to “give up” my lifestyle and leave the home I had lived in the longest of my life. And quite frankly, I was upset, with anger, grief, sadness, frustration, etc. Basically, if it was a negative emotion, I felt it.
Now, I AM an obedient person, so after much prayer, I did agree to this move. My attitude about it was really bad though. This is where Mark 10:21 gave me comfort. If Jesus felt a love for that rich young ruler for not wanting to give up his lifestyle for Jesus, I knew that He still loved me. That brought on floodgate 1 bursting. Boom…floods of tears in relief of knowing I was still loved.
The next thing that stuck out to me was when Jesus talked about how those who leave houses (and family and farms) will receive a hundred times as much (v. 29-30). Now, I didn’t know at the time when leaving my home that I would get a nicer house. We didn’t have a house at all. We lived in an AirBnB and 4 different hotels while waiting to find, buy, and, ultimately, fix up our current home. I had to step out in faith, which I did…and after getting our current home, I stopped being angry about those steps. (I also asked God to forgive me for having a bad attitude.)
The problem was that I was STILL, 2 years later, harboring guilt for my petulant, angry attitude about obeying both God and Jeff in the first place. Not good….
This brought on floodgate 2 bursting and me just crying and saying “I don’t deserve anything” because I was such a *bleep*.
Now it is true, that we don’t deserve anything in this life. God graciously gives us spiritual gifts and many blessings because He loves us.
It is NOT ok to live under that massive all-encompassing guilt for getting blessed when we feel like we don’t deserve it. Jesus died so we don’t have to live under the guilt of our sin. He paid the price. By living with that level of guilt, I was throwing away His victory on the cross. YIKES!!!
I had some work to do….
I spent the next morning in prayer. I had to confess my sin of not accepting forgiveness for ALL of my sins. You see, I had already, ages ago, repented of my poor attitude and behavior about the move. What I didn’t do was accept that He actually did forgive me and that I no longer needed to punish myself for my behavior by not accepting good things.
By not accepting God’s forgiveness and by continually beating myself up, I wasn’t able to enjoy anything because I didn’t feel like I should have anything good because I wasn’t good. Do you see how insidious this thinking is?
The truth is we aren’t deserving or good. Thankfully, we have a Savior who is!
In Romans 3:23-26, it spells that out clearly. We have all sinned but Jesus justifies us, redeems us, and is our propitiation (takes our offense and turns back the wrath that we deserve). He takes away our sin, so we are unblemished before God.
In other words, by not accepting God’s forgiveness and thinking I needed to punish myself, I wasn’t living the way God intended. Thankfully, He’s forgiven me for that too (because I confessed).
To think that this pernicious lie, that I needed to punish myself, only affected my enjoyment of my new home would be wrong. It encompassed pretty much everything.
My birthday was last week. Our friends, Ann and Ray, and Terry and Renee, had us over for dinner before my recent revelation. I didn’t know they were doing it to celebrate my birthday with me. I made the comment that I didn’t feel comfortable with all of that and Renee said “I knew you were going to say that” and Ray simply asked me “why?”
Ray’s comment got me thinking…why did I have such a hard time accepting kindnesses? I believe his comment primed me to see Mark 10 in a new way so that when I was talking to my D group, I was primed and ready to get some freedom. Which I did!
A few days ago, we visited Tyler in St. Louis to celebrate my birthday as a family. We went to a place that serves afternoon tea and followed that up with a visit to the botanical gardens. It was a wonderful day that I thoroughly enjoyed. I am grateful that my issues were conquered before we visited Tyler. I was able to accept my family’s attention with gladness of heart, something that probably would have been impossible the day before our visit (when I was praying).
It’s only been a few days of freedom, but I am confident that my guilt is gone. Time to start enjoying those blessings!